Emotions are not problems to be switched off. They are signals: anger may point to a boundary, sadness to a loss, anxiety to uncertainty. Emotional regulation does not mean feeling calm all the time. It means noticing what you feel, understanding what it is telling you, and choosing a response you will not regret later.
The four skills below can be practised in everyday moments — at work, at home, in traffic — not only in a crisis. They work best when practised while emotions are mild, so they are easier to reach for when feelings run high. Keep them brief, repeat them often, and be patient with yourself while they become habits.
What the research says
DBT skills research (Linehan’s programme; studies by Neacsiu and colleagues) links skills use with less emotional distress and fewer harmful urges. Dialectical behaviour therapy teaches a set of practical skills for managing intense emotions, tolerating distress and improving relationships, and people who use those skills regularly tend to cope better over time.
James Gross’s emotion-regulation research finds reappraisal (changing how a situation is interpreted) generally healthier than suppression (bottling feelings up). Reappraisal changes the emotional response itself, whereas suppression tends to leave the feeling active inside while only hiding its outward expression, which can increase stress over time.
Affect-labelling research (Kircanski and colleagues) shows putting feelings into words reduces their intensity. Simply naming an emotion — “I feel anxious and embarrassed” — in specific words, rather than a vague “I feel bad”, appears to lessen its grip, making it easier to think clearly and choose what to do next.
Skill 1: Name it to tame it
When a strong feeling arrives, pause and name it as precisely as you can. Try these steps:
- Stop for ten seconds and notice where you feel it in your body — tight chest, clenched jaw, restless hands.
- Choose a specific label: “I notice frustration, with a little disappointment underneath.”
- Rate its strength from 0 to 10, and note what triggered it, in one sentence.
Writing the label down, even briefly on your phone, can help further. Naming does not solve the problem, but it creates a small gap between feeling and reacting — and in that gap, choice becomes possible.
Skill 2: Paced breathing to settle the body
When emotions surge, breathing often becomes fast and shallow, which keeps the body on alert. Paced breathing gently reverses that. Sit comfortably, place your feet flat on the floor, and breathe in through your nose for a count of four, then out slowly through your mouth for a count of six. Repeat for two minutes, or about ten breath cycles.
Do not force the breath or hold it until you feel dizzy. If longer out-breaths feel uncomfortable, simply aim for slow, steady breathing that feels natural. Practise this once a day when calm — for example, before lunch — so it feels familiar when you need it under pressure. Pair it with grounding if your mind is racing: notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
Skill 3: Reappraisal — change the story, not the facts
Reappraisal means finding a different, believable interpretation of a situation. It is not pretending everything is fine. If a colleague does not reply to your message, the first story might be “They are ignoring me.” A reappraisal could be “They may be busy, or they may have missed it; I can check once, calmly, tomorrow.”
Try this three-question check when a thought feels overwhelming: “What is the evidence for this thought? What is a kinder or more balanced explanation? What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Write the balanced version down if you can. Over time, this habit weakens the automatic link between a trigger and an extreme reaction.
Skill 4: Opposite action and self-soothing
Opposite action means acting against an unhelpful emotional urge, when the emotion does not fit the facts. If sadness urges you to withdraw all day, opposite action might be sending one friendly message or taking a short walk. If anxiety urges you to avoid a task entirely, opposite action might be starting it for just ten minutes. Keep the step small and achievable; the point is to show your brain that the feared outcome does not always follow.
Self-soothing is the companion skill for moments when you cannot change the situation yet. Choose one soothing action for each sense: a warm drink, a soft blanket, a favourite song, a calming scent, or a photo that brings comfort. Prepare a small “soothing kit” in advance — at home or at work — so you do not have to think clearly in a difficult moment to find one.
Building a daily practice
Pick one skill to practise each week, and link it to an existing habit: name your feeling during your morning tea, practise paced breathing before lunch, or do a reappraisal check in the evening. At the end of the day, note one moment when you handled an emotion well, even slightly better than before. Progress in emotional regulation is rarely dramatic; it is the accumulation of many small, steadier responses.
When to seek professional help
Seek professional help if emotions regularly feel overwhelming or out of control; if you act on urges you later regret, such as harming yourself, lashing out, or using alcohol or other substances to cope; if mood swings, numbness or distress are affecting work, relationships or daily life; or if past trauma keeps bringing intense emotions back. A therapist can help you learn these skills in a structured way and explore what lies beneath persistent patterns.
You can read more on our trauma and PTSD page and in our earlier article, Grounding and Self-Help for Trauma Symptoms: Feeling Safe Again. Seeking help for emotional regulation is a practical step, not a sign of weakness.
Therapy with Anjum — by Anjum Mehmood Siddiqui, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Personality Analyst and Psychotherapist. Therapy in Islamabad, Rawalpindi and online.
To take a first step, book an appointment with Therapy with Anjum today.
Disclaimer: This article is general information only. It is not a diagnosis and is not a substitute for professional care. If you feel unsafe or are thinking of harming yourself, please seek emergency help immediately.